“Once in a Blue Moon”–Collaborative Corner & Our 100th post!

Woot! Post 100! Only comes around once in a blue moon….which conicidentaly is the title of this poem.

Once in a blue moon…

The blue moon only comes once in a while, with a commemorative glass

portents & omens not withstanding.

The demons keep asking

about my obsession with your footed pajamas, they must

be wonderful. keeps your tosies nice and warm.

but not moist. No one like moist toes. But I digress

into talking about suspender panties.

I’ll wear them when I dance for the boys in vats of chocolate pudding

Yum, maybe tapioca or butterscotch.

A veritable living universe of flavor, ever expanding.

Anon, The Local 907, Renton Washington

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Collaborative Corner: My 30th Birthday Plans

My 30th Birthday Plans

So, For my 30th birthday I want you to

Ignore the distractions and vapid attractions

that only I know and hate like so many other things

that drive me completely insane.

This bump-bump groove makes me move

Not as much as Beyonce, but still,

I’ll settle for cake & ice cream.

The Dame, Pongo, T. Tuttle, Purr, Seattle Washington (Capitol Hill)

Story Crawl: The Story of the Gilded Tea Pot Part I

The Story of the Gilded Tea Pot

Ramona was reclining in her favorite burgundy chaise when Jeeves announced that she had a visitor.

“Oh do show him in my dearest Jeeves!” quipped Ramona.

Jeeves bowed deeply and exited the room. Ramona then hoisted her breasts to create more cleavage and awaited the arrival of her mysterious guest. The man who walked through the door was nothing like she pictured and her bosom deflated in response.

“Oh. It’s you.” Ramona said dryly. “I suppose there is no use in Jeeves fetching my magnificent Gilded Tea Pot.”

“What a warm welcome my dearest.” the man said with a condescending air.  He pulled a long black pipe out of his jacket pocket and continued, “I come not for a social call, but to bring you news.”

Poindexter nearly filled the frame of the door, his enormous calloused hand fishing for a book of matches in his patched and tattered blazer. Ramona shifted uncomfortably on her chaise.

“What news…” she mused hesitantly, picking up her brandy snifter from the table and swirling its contents.

“I’ve come to tell you that I have accepted the commission in the subarctic region of Russia. I am going to study the mating patterns of the Savage Bearded Tundra Badger.

Ramona eyed him suspiciously. “Well, I suppose this calls for a cup of tea”. She rang a bell and Jeeves appeared out of the smoke issuing from Poindexter’s pipe. “Fetch the Tea Pot at once for our distinguished Zoologist.” Jeeves bowed deeply and left the room

“You know I’m no zoologist Ramona” said Poindexter with a squeak. He was beginning to feel like a trapped gazelle.

“I know” she replied, a smirk appearing across her Chanel covered face, “but you’ll always be an animal to me”.

At that moment Jeeves appeared with the Gilded Tea Pot. Without taking her eyes of Poindexter, Ramona said nonchalantly, “Oh Jeeves, do be a darling and bring that back in precisely 13 minutes.”

Jeeves bowed again and closed the mahogany door to a bewildered looking Poindexter and a hungry looking Ramona.

……………To Be Continued………..

You, yes YOU can help us continue this story! Please refer to our previous post for submission guidelines and email your submissions to barfliesanon@gmail.com!

STORY CRAWL GOES LIVE TOMORROW!

FELLOW BARFLIES! OUR FIRST STORY CRAWL GOES LIVE TOMORROW!

That’s right! Our first story crawl goes live tomorrow! What is Story Crawl you ask? Well that’s a great question! We, the staff here at Barflies Anonymous had a FABULOUS night out and came up with the first chapter of the story. And you, attractive and wonderful readers contribute the next part of the story! You can contribute:

The next sentence of the story

The next paragraph of the story

The next chapter of the story (350 words or less)

All submissions will be taken into consideration in the order received. Here’s some other stuff you need to know:

The Genre of our first story crawl is…drum roll please….TAWDRY ROMANCE NOVEL

Awesome huh?

To refresh you on our RULES OF SUBMISSION…(see also our page WANNA SUBMIT?)

1. Submission must fit with in the genre of the Story Crawl (Which is, once again, Tawdry Romance Novel)

2. Submissions must be written in an establishment that serves alcohol. (Well, come on, we are called BARflies…) So this includes bars, brunches with mimosas and happy hours. (we also include more “creative” interpretations of “establishment” like beer gardens…..)

3. Because of the nature of our publication we ask that you be of legal drinking age in your neck of the woods.

4. Include in your submission the following: The name of the “establishment” you wrote it at, the city, state (and possibly country?) and any awesome pseudonym you would like us to publish you under.

5. Send your submission to barfliesanon@gmail.com

 

Go forth barflies and create, create, create!

Collaborative Corner: With Love, Anonymous

With Love, Anonymous

To Whom It May Concern,

This may come as a surprise but….

I used to be a man. In my imagination anyway.

I might be lying. I usually am.

But it keeps everyone on their toes.

But fuck it, maybe I will. Or won’t I? I’m quite

mercurial which means changeable and tricksy.

But then again, what do I know? Not much according

to my mother. But she is always wrong. At least that’s what

my shrink tells me.  But what the fuck does she know?

Love, Anonymous

B.F. & The GastroFly, Jules Mae Saloon, Seattle WA (Georgetown)

Collaborative Corner: Of Men, Planets and Republicans

Of Men, Planets and Republicans

She says she likes the greasy, unkempt men,

but what she really likes are stringy, unkempt and dirty men

who need a good shave. But I’m wrong on so many things

maybe what I really want is something round, smooth and Republican.

I find them oddly attractive and at the same time fascist anti-christs

but still good people. Maybe I don’t know what I am doing. One day

I want to soar on a Russian rocket to the moon, or to Pluto, which

isn’t a planet anymore.

Poor, sad Pluto

She (referring to myself in the 3rd person) sighed, “you’ll always be a planet to me”.

B.F & GastroFly, Jules Mae Saloon, Seattle WA (Georgetown)

Collaborative Corner: In the Loony Bin

In the Loony Bin

They say it only hurts when you laugh.

I had the chance to test that theory

It worked for me, I cannot lie,

but the ninja is craftier than I thought.

You know, I think there’s a pill for that…that being

a large Cthulhu ninja that I must fight

for the fate of the nation…

I guess it’s time to take out my 30-sided die and

roll baby, roll. But alas, I crypt out.

All I have to ask myself at this juncture is

where is the fucking ninja?

If you say “on the lawn” I just might die from laughing.

B.F. & GastroFly, 9lb Hammer, Seattle WA (Georgetown)

Collaborative Corner: John Cusak

John Cusak

“The woods are lovely dark…” wait a minute, that is

someone else’s line. Is it yours? I’ve completely

lost track and my time is important to someone…

but alas, I digress.

To return to my original point,

I had this crazy thought that

monsters were hiding under my bed

but I always have crazy thoughts.

Like the one time I had the notion to replicate

a scene from “Say Anything”. It turns out that

Grosse Point Blank was a way better film.

 

B.F. & The GastroFly, 9lb Hammer, Seattle WA (Georgetown)

COMING SOON STORY CRAWL…….

Coming Soon to Barflies Anonymous is a brand new column.

It’s really special and awesome. I’m not sure if you all are ready for  it’s specialness and awesomness, but I’m willing to take that risk.

The Story Crawl will be an interactive  short story. The Staff of Barflies Anon.  shall write the first chapter and you, attractive readers (& future contributors) shall write the bulk of the story. Then we, the staff here at Barflies Anon.,  will write the last chapter.

It will work like this:

Once the first chapter is posted, we will take, in order*, the following:

The next sentence of the story

The next paragraph of the story

The next chapter of the story (350 words or less)

You’ll send your writing to barfliesanon@gmail.com

The first Story Crawl will appear between June 1-7th.

Happy Writing!

Until Next Time

Your Editor,

B.F.

*by “in order” we mean, you know who ever sends us shit first at barfliesanon@gmail.com

Boozy Bites: “Let them Eat Cake!”

Greetings and salutations fine young culinarians! 

Have you ever come home after a long night of hard drinking and thought, ” I need cake.”?  I know I have.  But being of drunken mind,  the idea of baking a cake seems arduous and time consuming. So how, may you ask, do we fulfill our need for cake at three in the morning without having to actually bake?  The microwave cake….yes, it is a sacrilegious  bastardized version of something pure and good, but at three in the morning drunk off my ass I tend to overlook such things.   So here my drunken friends is the recipe for microwave cake and a few variations for fun.

 

The basic recipe

1 large mug microwave safe

4 tablespoons flour not self rising

4 tablespoons sugar

¼ teaspoons baking powder

1 egg

3 tablespoons milk

3 tablespoons oil

Dash of vanilla extract

You are going to put all dry ingredients in first and mix well, then the egg (mix again) and then the milk, vanilla and oil mix well.  Put mug into microwave for 2 1/2 min.  And really that’s it.

 You can add whatever you want to it like baking coco and chocolate chips or you can substitute the milk for coconut milk, add bananas and rum to the mix make a quick caramel….. (1/2 cup sugar in sauce pan over low heat add milk and you have caramel!!) to make a banana fosters microwave cake. 

Oh man my buzz is starting to wear off and I am starting to realize what I have just unleashed on to the world… if anyone asks don’t blame me, blame Paula Dean.

Signing off

The GastroFly